Footfive

Last night at bedtime, when our son refused to hug or say goodnight, Michael offered him the option of a “footfive.”

“Sure!” he said. Like a high five, but done foot-to-foot, a “footfive” is one of the options we’ve developed over the years to give our kids ways to connect with us that are different from words, hugs and kisses. Some nights the traditional goodnights with hugs flow freely, and other times, because of developmental levels, sensitivities and power struggles, we all need different choices to keep the peace and kindness happening in our home.

We began looking for options about eight years ago when my stepdaughter found it challenging to say goodbye to me for a number of reasons–her age, loyalty to her mother, high sensitivity to touch, to name a few. She and I came up with a “pinkie wave. ”  A small, quick gesture, the “pinkie wave” gave her the distance and lightness she needed, plus we all received a sense of closure.

As the years went on, we’ve added to the choices, especially knowing what we do now about the needs of many boys. In many cases, side-to-side contact and strong touch feel better to boys than direct eye contact and soft touch.

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What’s the Deal?: Kids refuse to use manners for millions of reasons, but there are a couple of ways we can help bring peace in our families. First, we can show the child examples of different kinds of affection with a combination of words, touch and gestures–footfives, pinkie waves, blowing kisses, thumbs-up as well as hugs and kisses.  That way, a child develops a repertoire of ways to interact, even on challenging days. Second, we can check to see if our expectations are reasonable. For example, in general, most five-year-olds go through a phase when they are much more comfortable speaking to children than adults. So a child might say thank you and goodbye to child, and refuse to speak to the child’s parents. We can keep that information in mind and back off a bit, knowing that the child will soon pass into a new phase where graces will come easier.

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Resources: For more information on reasonable expectations for social graces given developmental levels for children, check out books by Louise Bates Ames, Ph.D. For information on boys, try Michael Gurian’s books.

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